第四十九天。

Funny how blogger becomes the most private space.

My head hurts so badly now.
I hate to whine but my head is really in pain.

Gonna find something to do to distract myself.

Who let the dogs out?

MSTs ARE OVER!

I FEEL SO LIBERATED!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL NOW, OMG SO TOUCHED.

SIX BLARDY PAPERS. ALL DOWN.

AM I DREAMING?

BUT

When I think about the incoming projects and the open house training week...

My holidays are gonna be eaten up by THOSE MONGSTERS!

I can't work or do whatever shit at will! I feel like crap!

MY EMOTIONS.

The end point.

I need to focus so badly but I can't seem to wake my brain up.

Slacking off at the end of MST is not good.

19 days.

Was studying F&B and Econs when from the corner of my eye,

I thought I saw you preparing your kaya bread in the kitchen.

I turned my head around, but there was no kaya, no bread, no butter knife, no you.

I swear I smelt the fragrance of the kaya you like.

(Okay great I'm already tearing before I even started.)

Since you left, I've only shed 2 drops of tears. I think you saw.

You must have been shaking your head cause you won't want me to cry for you.

But then ah, they keep repeating the same sentence from the scriptures and I had nothing to do so I looked in front and I saw you then I miss you then I sad mah so tear lo. Cannot blame me one okay?

But since that time, nope, not even a single drop.

I held it all in. I'm your strong girl ain't I?

Are you proud of me?

I never thought that I would lose you so soon.

It was so sudden. No last words, nothing.

Although everytime you would causally tell me that you're old and that you were passing on,

I've always believed you'll live till a ripe old age.

That'll you see me marry the love of my life, create little mischievous angels like myself,

help me take care of my angels who will be scampering around endlessly like the small me.

I still remember when I was young, really young,

I used to tag along with you to the wet market, and then we'll go to the supermarket.

I'll fall in love with some stupid shit toys and you'll always, always buy them for me.

All the funny keychains and weird looking pencils, I still remember.

The way you would laugh at me and tell me they were useless but still buy them for me anyway.

I would stumble behind you and all your groceries, carrying a small bag of vegetables and my toys.

Then I grew older, and I stopped following you around like a lost puppy.

I would be in school and when I come home, you'll be preparing for work.

Your green rectangular bag? You've never changed it all these years.

In the mornings when I come over, you'll be fast asleep.

I used to sit beside your mattress doing random stuff.

You were always so tired that you don't even realize.

Friday nights I would stay over,
sleep in your mattress and look up at your clothes hanging from the windows.

I knew you were at work and I'll just count the dinosaurs on the sheets till I fall asleep.
Somehow every Saturday morning I get my soya bean milk chilled.

I know you left them out there to cool then into the fridge to chill.

Whenever I go to the market to get stuff, I'll specially pass by the shelter where you and your friends usually would be at, just to see if you were there.

And if you were, I'll shout "AH GONG" damn loudly. Heh.

You'll proudly tell all your friends that I'm your granddaughter.

I can see it from the look in your eyes, the smile on your face.

And I'm really proud to have you too you know?
You're one of the greatest man I've ever known.

There's still so many so many things I remember about you.

But I can't go on. 

My nose and eyes are coming off. I feel the skin peeling liao nah!

I miss you.

It's all the dreams that never came true cause you're too damn scared to try.

Since I can't concentrate and be productive on my notes, my ridiculously boring notes,

I shall write some of my nonsense. I'm forever writing nonsense.

But people read my nonsense. So they are not really nonsense I guess.

I DON'T KNOW LAH. WHO STARTED THIS TOPIC? WHO. WHO?!

Anyway, my notes are really boring. I have no idea how to describe them.

Or maybe it's me. I've been on the same module for like 2 days straight.

I just can't take all those boring shit anymore.

Most of the stuff are common sense but we have to memorize the points and sub-points 

AND subsub-points now that's not the end we still have the elaborations.

It's irritating beyond words I tell you. No kid.

My contacts expiring soon, and my new pair is probably lost in the ocean.

@clairemellows can you feel my desperateness?!

Arboh I'll just go to the optician to get a random pair.

All I want for Christmas

I want need my iPhone 4s now.

Less than a month's time, 3Gs please hang in there.

It's not forever.

Just looked at myself properly for the first time in a long time in the mirror.
How did I become like this? I look so tired and lifeless.
My jawline is disappearing due to lack of discipline but the collarbones are still there.
Right arms is bigger than left arm due to? Yes, muscles.
But that's not my focus now.

Right now, there's only 4.0 in my head.
Although it seems like an impossible goal, but I'll just try to get as close as possible I can.

Honestly, I feel so drained now but I'm still studying ECMR.
I guess it's just the module that is so dry and tough.
Maybe switching to studying a different module will help.
Like? Economics?

I can't afford to let myself get distracted.

Shall go get my 5th cup of coffee now.