Battlefield.

One minute everything's perfect and suddenly it's like a battlefield.

It's like I don't even know what I'm doing now, I'm not even thinking using my head. Everything is just so messed up in the heart now. It's not something bad, okay well it is. YOU GET WHAT I MEAN. I used to know my priorities so well, what comes first, what I should be doing next, where my time should be. DA DA DA and everything just snaps into place. Then I don't know since when, I started losing track of my own time.

I don't even have that much to manage in my life, just school, tuition, boyfriend, family, friends, friends, friends, friends, more friends and I'm all over the place, which sets me thinking if I really can handle myself being an events manager. I'm not even good with people you see, like was I wrong about myself? Here I am, up at 1am when I have to wake up at 7am later because I need my mom to transfer money to me because I am so GODDAMNBROKE and thinking about my future which seems so bleak.

No, it is not poverty that set this post off, neither is it my messed up life. It was reading Claire's blog, twitter, and instagram that did. We used to be best friends, used to. I'm using used to not because I'm angry with her fell out with her or whatever. It's because I feel so guilty towards her. Using "we used to be best friends" might actually be the kindest thing I've ever done to her. I'm sorry Claire, I'm sorry red hair crazy woman, I'm sorry my awesome duet partner. I'm so sorry. I know saying too many sorries will just make sorry lose it's meaning but I don't know how to express my apology. I guess it all started after I chose love over friendship. Big mistake bitch, now there's no turning back. It started with Aisyah, then Siyi then the guilt just keeps eating me from inside with every blogspot, with every picture from insta. I have officially lost her. I'm sorry for not making time for you anymore, I'm sorry for the texts I didn't reply, I'm sorry for the twitter mentions I didn't reply, I'm sorry for the covers we promised we would do, I'm sorry for the money I'm unable to lend you anymore, I'm sorry for not looking after our friendship, I'm sorry you had to look for friends all over again, I'm so fucking sorry for choosing love over you.

And the worse thing is, she's not the only friend I've been doing this to. I'm a mess.

Lim Yi Yun, what are you thinking? Do you know what you're sacrificing? Can you afford to let go of all these? I don't know, I'm just counting on my faith.