I feel like an owl in a cage trying to claw my way out. I feel like I'm forced to hunt in the day and sleep at night. I feel like I'm trained to walk with my talons instead of flying with my wings.

And I feel like I've dragged someone I love into the cage with me.

My mind is in a whirl. My heart is bleeding. My eyes are sore from crying. My body is exhausted.

I want to run away. But I have too many responsibilities. I wish a dog would just eat my conscience up.

Young and Free.

Was reading through some of my old blog posts. I cannot help but roll over with laughter in my office chair. No I'm not slacking. But then again, we were so young, so clueless, so happy, so free.

Now, we do the things we thought we would never do.

Would the yiyun 10 years back be proud of the yiyun now? Probably not.

But she would understand.

Eavesdropped.

What if you heard something that made you feel ashamed of yourself?

Meats and Potatoes.

You know how we always say that boys don't make sense?

Well, sometimes they actually do. It doesn't hurt to keep what guys say to you in mind, it comes in handy at times. When the girl's mindset and perceptions clouds our thinking and evaluation process of something or someone, it doesn't hurt to bring the guy's advice(s) out and remember what they once said. I guess it's important to remember what doesn't make sense to us, just in case one day we finally realise what we didn't understand back then was just cold hard logic we refused to see because we let the little devil emotions whisper right into our hearts and minds.

Just completed the second last paper of my poly life, hehehe the paper sucks so there's basically nothing to discuss about! I haven't been writing lately, so I shall just post a brief update of what had been going on recently.

Met up with my tennis girls after gazillion years, since oli flew back from UK, we had to grab the chance to get together! Dinner became extended gossip sessions of everything and anything under the Sun. Well, you put 5 girls together, don't expect anything toned down. ;) Secrets were forced out of each other and just sitting there reminiscing about the good old times was great. I say until like we very old but we're only like what, 20?! They keep saying how they don't even have boyfriends yet and I'm thinking about getting married already! Is they keep choosing and choosing lor! I wanna recommend guys to them they say don't want somemore then come tell me no boyfriend. Tsktsk.

To celebrate Wenyi's birthday, BGs decided to have steamboat + birthday celebration for wenyi! YAY! We wanted to bake cake but in the end all of us were too lazy so we just bought a cookie mix and baked a freaking huge ass cookie which is damn sweet.

We actually went to Z's house earlier in the day to set up, well athough there wasn't much to set up but still yeah. So Terry was bugging all of us to take picture with his new DSLR and only I entertained him hahaha.

There is me, painstakingly seating at the window to wait for Wenyi, who's LATE AGAIN.

SURPRISE!

SEE THE BIG ASS COOKIE.

Got wenyi to down one shot as her birthday shot! An achievement for her alright, she usually don't drink much hahaha! After the successful surprise, we moved on to having steamboat.

While getting the groceries, we kinda overestimated ourselves and bought too much food. $100 worth of steamboat ingredients my god. End up we kept like 30% of the spread on the table because no one could eat anymore! All of us except YW stayed over hehee. The plan was not to sleep but our dear Terry couldn't help himself, as shown in the third Polaroid.

Played charades and heart to heart talk throughout the night. Went for breakfast like zombies the next day before going home and sleeping like pigs.

And one of the highlights of 2013! I got tickets for NDP 2013!! Me Z Andy and Wenyi went together, I was so excited because I haven been to NDP for so long. The guys are just mainly there for the light saber thingy in the goodie bag. Sigh.

I thought I would be able to take pretty Polaroid pictures and it turns out I only managed one. D: I wasted like 7 films which all looked like the thing above. Well, it's a pretty expensive experience, just like when I smashed the rear window of my parent's car. 2013 is a year of happenings. 

Shortly after national day, my cousin enlisted! YAY! I feel so proud of all my friends that enlisted, my boyfriend, then finally it's my cousin's turn! Although he is in pes C due to some heart problem, but being in the army is tough alright. Everyone was so excited on the day, well, except for him of course. He tried to put on a calm and composed face but you can see deep down he's flopping like a fish out of water.

Yeuyann sent me these pictures because I was suppose to go along with them BUT I overslept. I know my cousin enlistment and I overslept. In my defense, I'm an owl during exam period so it can't be helped. I hope you guys find my lame ass excuse acceptable. 

It's not like I became a pig or something, later in the day I met up with Wenyi, Terry and Andy okay! 

See how unhappy I was! Terry just threw his bulky and fat camera bag to us because he wanna take pictures of nothing interesting. What is this.

We decided to go to bugis because I had to go to work anyway and WY wanted to spend her Sephora voucher. Whoop! And guess what I saw in Sephora!

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TADA! OMGBBQRIGHT. I nearly nearly bought it, if not for Andy's aggressive protestation. I'm gonna watch it TOMORROW I'm so excited I don't know if I would be able to sleep tonight honestly! I'm just so excited to see the stele and the runes on the screen! It's probably very much different from my imagination but if it's approved by the author, it should be quite the real deal! This is the first time I booked tickets for a movie on it's premiere day BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT. And Z doesn't wanna watch it with me reason being it's probably not his thing and he doesn't know why I'm acting the way I'm acting. Wait till he finally watches it. Gotta calm myself down now. I shall abruptly end my excitement. 

We went to mahatten to have dinner because the NDP booklet had this 1-for-1 coupon and it's for the most expensive platter they have. Since we were all on a tight budget, we decided to make the best use of what our country has kindly given us.

Presenting to you, rocker WY. HAHAHA!

Look at this yummy platter of food we had 2 for the price of 1. We ate till we were bloated like potatoes before they sent me to work. I tried to introduce my ladyboss to Terry but he ended being too shy. STILL TALK ABOUT GETTING GIRLFRIEND.

He keep saying he wanna look like a boss but see end up take this kind of picture.

While I stayed at work, they went to Sephora to spend WY's voucher. And so Terry decided to buy a perfume for his keaidemama, it smells really nice and it was on promotion. D: But I'm on a personal saving plan of my own now therefore I will nottttttt be tempted by it. NO. 

Went to Aisyah's house for a short Raya visit. Her curry is the bomb man. The curry is spicy and fragrant enough you just keep craving for it yum yum yum. The thing the curry is drizzled on is called Roti Jarah, it's basically fried flour. When I asked Claire what it was she told me it's called Roti Jalan. *bangs wall* Shit it's still funny to me hahahahahaha. Apparently walking flour/bread cracks me up so.

Oh yeah, upon entering the house I just asked "WHERE LEON?!" that is the amount of respect I gave to Aisyah but it's okay bbygirl I love you kay.

THIS IS LEON. ISN'T HE A BEAU?

But he's a fat beau. I was genuinely shocked when I saw him. Claire and Aisyah keeps telling me that Leon is fat, but I saw a big walking ball of fur. But he's still so cute omg I wanna hug him and cuddle him and if he were smaller I would have brought him home with me awwwwwww.

Had a short midnight jamming session with the people who were still there and you see that Edna don't know what she's doing again. Stayed till around 12:30 before cabbing home with claire.

So basically this is what I've been up to. I only get to see Z on weekends now. Recently because his dad returned to Singapore for a short while and there were so many events going on we literally had no time alone. He just had his first BMT book out and you can see the difference in the level of fatigue and restlessness in him. You don't really know if you should bring him out, or just let him rest at home. I guess it will be better when he becomes used to the routine?

So girls, is not your army boyfriend don't wanna spend time with you or what. It's just so tough in army. I don't know what it's like inside but it's Army. Physical exercise for 5/6 days in a week, they deserve a day of uninterrupted rest at home on their comfortable bed or maybe just doing nothing, or just doing whatever comes into their minds because inside there, they are stripped of the privilege to do so.

Z's mum sent me this picture that day at dinner. (MY FACE. WHY.)

Silly Z was so excited about using the Polaroid camera, turned out pretty good didn't it? It's so unfair that Z still looks decent without hair because I'm sure if I'm bald... I'll be forfeiting my rights to continue existing on this planet. But who knows, maybe I'll look like a handsome dude. Maybe.

6 more days to a 1-week holiday before I start internship! Thank you for sticking with me with throughout this long post, hugs and kisses to anyone who still reads this page~

People say.

We often set our level at "idol" level, that's why nothing seems to be good. We're too exposed to so many unrealistic things in this world, and we expect the unrealistic to happen in this realistic world. More often than not, they don't, of course. And then we get upset, we wonder why it's so unfair.

Maybe we should all snap out of it, and learn how to differentiate between reality and fantasy.

I used to think "Oh boy, where do I find a guy who can match up to Changmin.". The truth is Changmin is not real. He's there for our entertainment, his life story is our inspiration, but we'll never really know DBSK, we'll never really know Changmin. And they are not that perfect. They screw up, they make mistakes. We just don't see that, and they don't make mistakes on us. That's why they're called idols.

Falling in love made me realise how foolish it was to actually wanna find a guy like my idol. It shouldn't be this way. And I'm glad it wasn't. 

Z's so much more than Changmin. He makes me angry, he makes me laugh, he makes me cry but wipes my tears away. He gives me strength and courage, and forgives me for my mistakes. He understands me, loves me and acknowledges me. He has a big heart, a kind soul and a gentle spirit. I guess that's where I fell in love.

And I hope every fan girl in this world would find someone that's so much more than their idols.

Goodnight!

Supper @ Spize

Impromptu supper at Spize with Z on Sunday after his work! Wasn't exactly where we planned to eat, but oh well, we ended up at a really good place for supper! ;)

Unguarded Z.

After he realized I was taking a picture of him. In normal situations, the pictures would be reversed but well...  okaynevermind.

 Ordered black pepper beef hor fun and Z got their Special Roti John with mutton! The roti john was awesome because the mutton totally don't have the mutton taste! Mixed with mushroom and it was yumyumyummmmm! My beef horfun was not too bad, except that the beef was a little bit overcooked!

Their satay was good, but I don't fancy the sauce. 

Nahs never fancy satay sauce but Z said that it was good, so I suppose, it's good?

Impulse order: Cheese Fries
We only ordered this because we saw the waiter walk pass us with that and we were like "WOOOOOOOW" it looks so damn good so we just ordered it. Couldn't finish this in the end because we were both sooo full from our main course.

CLOSE UP. LOOK AT ALL THE CHEESE.

Supper and road trips with Z are always fun and spontaneous. I suppose it's cool because I plan stuff too much so I get kinda uncomfortable when things don't go according to 'the plan'. Ever since I got together with Z so many things have been 'off plan' and somehow I just got out of my comfort zone and go with the flow. Sometimes, spontaneous is not that bad. ;)

Final Lap.

OMG JUST SUBMITTED MY INTERNSHIP CHOICES OHMYGODDDDDD, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING BUT I JUST GOTTA TRUST MY INSTINCTS MAN.

Hopefully I get either one of my choices because if I randomly get posted to that PR company, I can say hello to hell for like 6 months okay. OKAY CALM YOURSELF GIRL. Don't think about it because it will happen it you think too much it's that scary okay.

Yes that's all.

Blink Blink.

When you wake up some mornings and don't feel good about yourself, when your mirror reflection just makes you beat yourself up even more, it's okay. When you step on the weighing scale and the numbers are not desirable, just so you know, it's alright too. When you watch someone you love, love another, no it's not fine, but it will be. When you're so upset and frustrated with someone but you don't know what to say, when you're misunderstood and never given the chance to clear things up. When you see someone absolutely gorgeous and you're standing there like, yeah. When nothing seems to be on the right track. Don't we all have those days?

No I'm not talking about myself, I'm talking about everyone in general.

It gets better, it really does.

On the phone, get scolded by boyfriend. (Although I also got scold him)

Put down phone, get scolded by parents. (Mai siao I don't there scold back one) 

My whole life just about getting scolded. And I'm gonna regret sleeping this late tomorrow morning. But I don't regret the conversation we had. At least I'm not going to sleep sad and crying. Tomorrow still got tutorial magawd. Ciaos!

Today God wants you to know that you can let yourself be happier.

Happiness is a choice, although often it might seem otherwise. And it starts small.
Today do something that makes you feel happy, and tell your friends about it.

They say laughter is the best medicine.

Miracle potion do your wonders.

Hahahahahaha.

What a coax. Pfft.

Welcome another new month.

A few days ago I was still dying for April to come to an end ASAP. Right now with the kind of opening May gave me, all I can say now is, "it'll get better.". On this fateful day, I damaged my phone for the first time ever. OMG, NEVER FELT SO EMPTY AND HELPLESS BEFORE. I LOVE MY PHONE AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT. Gonna get it fixed tomorrow early in the morning with Z, and hopefully by night time I can get it back D: The worse part is that my phone is now entirely blue screen, so it still vibrates with notifications and stuff, but I cannot read it. It really kills me hahaha, why don't my phone vibrate as much on normal days?! But it's okay because the repair fee is not gonna be very expensive hahaha~

There are many things I wanna say to you, but I don't know how to put them in visual words, so I'm just gonna keep them in my heart. You just need to know, and I think you already know, that I love you as much as the first day we got together. Happy 15th. :)

No shit.

So as the title says, this post is about no shit. Nope just kidding, I'm just really bored now because I have nothing to do, but I'm not tired enough to go to bed and I don't wanna go bother other people ya know because I'm considerate just like that~

Nothing much has been going on lately, except that I have started working a few days back and school has started too. I guess it's a good thing that I'm studying and working at the same time, so that I won't have excess free time to be bored and feel lonely cause Z's working too. So far our luck has been really bad with our schedule clashing and all. But I always tell myself, it's for the better, it's for the kaching! And we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together so let's not get all picky on short hours. But as an overly attached girlfriend, sometimes I really miss him and stuff so yeah lor. Good distraction that comes with money. ;)

School has been okay too, this semester like a lot of lessons need to bring laptop ah! Not sure if we're really trying to go green or the lecturers are just being lazy. Not really keen for internship to come though, long hours plus poor pay. Or should I say transport fee? But with Z enlisting and all, it's again a wonderful distraction huh. When I was younger, I never imagined myself needing to go through NS with my boyfriend because I assumed I wouldn't have one, but now that everything is approaching so quickly, I can't help but feel grown up! Yay! Because it just means that I'm one step closer to England and poverty free! T.T

I wish my passport would be renewed like right now. Can't wait for June to come, but I don't want June to come either. Let's set aside June's feelings for June.

I'm going to sleep now, and hoping for better dreams. :)

Grateful heart.

Tonight I give thanks.

I'm thankful for my friends, to those who have left, and to those who had the patience to stick around somemore. Thank you for being there to share my experience, to catch my tears, tolerating all my nonsense, and making my life so colourful and happy.

I'm thankful for my boyfriend, who became my priority in life, who gave me a priority in life. Although it might have been a little too much for him, still I'm thankful. I thank him for all the times where he has to put up with my bad temper, and for telling me the truth all the time when most boyfriends would pick and select.

I'm thankful for my family, for caring for me, for scolding me when they are in a bad mood, and for allowing me to do crazy things once in a while. I thank them for moulding me into who I am. Although not perfect, but not an utter bitch at least.

I'm thankful for my country, for being so safe and peaceful. I'm thankful that this country is so strict, giving us freedom. After all, what is freedom without rules?

I'm thankful for all the strangers that smiled at me when we make eye contact, and the ones that reciprocate when I smile at them. They make my day so much better. I'm thankful for those who held a straight face or didn't respond because it allowed me to realise that there are people whose burdens are so heavy they can't smile.

Tonight, I'm just thankful to be alive and loved.

第四百零一天。

So that day me and Z were talking casually about random stuff when we realized that it will be exactly 400 days on 06/03/2013 since we were together. Well actually Z thought it was 07 so below is a screenshot of a website I used to calculate the days. Not that we celebrate every 100 200 300 and 400 days, it was pure randomness okay. Don't judge! Don't judge! How time flies huh. :)

Well, sometime back we actually had steamboat together, yes 2 people only and it was so awesome I swear steamboat with little people is the best because you can always reach the boat. Maximum number of people for steamboat should be 6 so that everyone can reach the boat. I just think that being able to reach the boat is the number one most importantly factor to enjoying steamboat. Agree? 

Aiya you people sure say I weird one lor but if you think more you'll understand how I feel. ANYWAY, this is the first time I eat steamboat with this very interesting sauce like you can dip the crabstick into the sauce and eat one. I have no idea what is it cause Z bought it. If you got chance to eat boat with me then I'll introduce it to you hahaha. I've been eating steamboat with soy sauce and cut chilli for my entire life so that was definitely something new. It was really nice so yumyum! :)

Oh yeah the food was too much for us to finish, so we end up lile eating buffet like that the tummy gonna burst already still must continue to chiong and stuff. Actually everything pour half packet out already enough. Except for the veggie, I ate the whole what do you call that, the whole thing. Not enough one lor. I like to boil it until very long then after that put soy sauce and chilli wah damn shiok.

But we're really healthy people we don't just eat okay, we got go exercise one, like pulau ubin lor! Nah proof! We walked all the way to the wetlands only to find out that it's high tide so cannot see anything at all omg hahaha, I fail as a geog student lah. But we did see mudskippers though and fish. :3

We walked all the way there by foot okay, it was damn tiring, definitely riding bicycle there. But the walk there was hilarious cause Z kept freaking out at random objects and I was freaking scared of the boar and dragonflies. But we were smart to hitch a ride back to the jetty there, so on the way back we actually stopped by this really beautiful place below.

The photo does not do justice to the beauty of that landscape. The water is just so gorgeous and the trees are so pretty and the whole place is just wonderful and the air is so good, omg. It's just really awesome that such places still exist you know although it's not really in Singapore itself but still, it belongs to us. Hopefully no one will ever ever destroy this.

Oh yeah, I did something really wild to my hair! I dyed it red! Like finally. To me it wasn't very siao, but for a first color is was hahaha, despite all that, I freaking love it. So I went home with this hair and kena scolding. My mum went on about how ugly the hair color was and how harmful the dye was to my hair. Then she ask me next day go dye it black again. Yes folks, that's why my hair looks dyed but it's still quite black. It's okay ya know, I had that hair for like one day, and I took some shitty pictures.

When I go UK I sure go back to this siao color one lor, cause when it fades away it gives you a very very nice brown too so it's like getting 2 colors. But maybe next time when I dye it would be just highlights cause it's really damaging to your hair. Now I have to use conditioner every single time I wash my hair. Is it cause I dyed it twice in less than 24 hours? Oh blah, who cares. ;)

Z brought me to this place for our 1st Anniversary dinner, it's located at Bishan Park there. The whole setting of that place is very peaceful and romantic and the food there also not bad. Just that a bit pricey. But for special occasions, it's worth every dollar. (Btw there's something moving behind me now I'm freaking scared cause it's 2am so I hope it's my stupid fat lizard if not I'm so dead)

This is the crab linguine. Super yummy. 10/10 I might go back just to eat it again.

This is Z's. The display not very good but the chicken not bad ley. ;)

We went there when there was still light so we can actually see while we ate, cause when the night falls it's quite dark cause it's suppose to be romantic and also it has a joint bar. But we feel that if you cannot see anything while you eat also a bit meh. Depends lah, if you like to dine in the dark then you go about 8 like that lor confirm no light one. Got this artificial flame though but cannot see anything. It's all down to personal preference.

Look at our watches hahaha.

Look at Andy and Z being uncooperative  I keep saying look leh look leh. But they look everywhere besides into my camera. SEE WHAT YOU GET FOR DISOBEYING ME? UNGLAM PICTURES.

 Went to bugis street to see walk look, then Z saw the pink color thing very cute so he bought it for me hahaha! He said it looks good on me. Actually I think so too, just a bit AA and my mum says it looks like some anime cafe girl wear one. I don't know what she talking about it. But I think like still can pull this look off, yes no yes no?

Visited Paulaner, ERMAIGAWD THE BEER IS DAMN GOOD.

This place is call Monster Curry somewhere in ION I think. The curry was not very monsterish but the plate is. It's freaking big you see the picture, big not? Big also no use everything else in the plate is like standard size. Not bad ah this small restaurant, food is good and not very expensive also for restaurants in ION.

That's all the updates for now I guess. I still have so many pictures about so many things happening around me cause my life so interesting plus I need to stop procrastinating and get a job but the lazy bug in me always takes over. Blame it on the lazy bug~

Life's good, really good.